January 20, 1990

MacCalls McCalls MacCall's Macaws Mc Call's Magazine
230 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10169

Dear Macaws:

            I must say that I am somewhat surprised at not yet having received notification of my appointment to your consumer advisory panel, No doubt it was lost in the mail. The postal service just isn't what it used to be. Nevertheless, I am happy to share with you my comments and observations with regard to the February issue.

            1. Page 5: Don't you think it's a bit disgusting to turn the page and be greeted by a gaping armpit in full color? At least it wasn't full of hair like those European women keep their pits. I mean, I know there are hard economic times over there, and they don't have disposable razors readily available the way we do here (CONSUMER TIP= If you buy a "Big One" at Dunkin Donuts this month, you get a free disposable Schick razor. Eat your heart out, Sophia Loren and all you other Italian hairies.), but have you ever stood next to one of them in the Paris Metro during the summer. I mean you could die. Well, anyway, my real consumer complaint is that I scratched and sniffed several times, and it didn't smell like deodorant at all, In fact, it smelled like a fart. I enclose the page from my issue; try it yourself.

            2. Page 12: On the masthead, you list your editors as "editors," but you list your associate editors and assistant editors as "associate" or "assistant," This is not helpful to the parents of these junior people, who are unable to brag to their friends about how much money their children are making in The Big Apple, and who get even less pleasure responding to questions from their well-meaning friends as to the nature of their daughter's employment with: "She's an assistant." An assistant is the person in the bathroom at the Hotel Pierre who, as you enter, asks, "May I help you?"

            3. Page 18: We should respect and admire the Royal Family, and not remind the readers that Prince Charles looks like Jughead, that Princess Anne looks more like a horse than the one she rides, that Fergie looks like a minor character on "Falcon Crest," and that the Queen herself looks like Jackie Mason in drag,

         4. Page 34: The "Goldilocks" porcelain doll is just darling, What more can I say?

         5. Page 48: "Not My Son!?" Right...Geraldino Zaccaro-Ferraro. Right...Jane Fonda Vadim. Right...Rosalynn Honeysuckle Carter, Could we please read about the children of good God-fearing American women?

         6. Page 54: What does a psychologist know about gifted children? All my children were, of course, gifted—so gifted, in fact, that they need a psychiatrist, and not a psychologist. As I have advised you before, get a psychiatrist, not a psychologist to write your column.

         7. Page 88: I find it interesting that you write about impotence and baldness on the same page, It is a well-known medical fact that high levels of testosterone are related to baldness, and low levels of testosterone are related to impotence. Those totally bald men, like
Yul Brynner and Odd Job are so manly and potent.

         8. Page 90: I am glad that you advise regular checking of the testicles for cancer, I check my husband's testicles twice a day. By the way, he is taking treatments for impotence. And I check my son Peter's privates regularly, too, because I don't think it's good for young boys to be playing with themselves. It's the Devil's work, you know,

         9. Page 92: Well, we certainly have the male apparatus on our minds this month, don't we. Be assured that I also check my husband Philip's prostrate prostate prostrate once a day, and Peter's prostrate, too. Peter's psychiatrist tells me that I'm anally-fixated. What does he know? He's an asshole.

       10. Page 122: Charlotte Ford is just so very right, as usual. I do have one suggestion for her, though, in her response to the nurse who is asked for medical advice and care by everyone in her neighborhood. Perhaps if the nurse would go around checking everyone's prostate and testicles regularly, people would ask her for help less frequently.
 

And the food, as always, looks good enough to eat.

 
Sincerely,
 
 

Priscilla P, Phunn